Predict Idol

DAY ONE

Bunny: Aaaah, Miami looks warm. It’s below zero here in the Midwest. It’s American Idol’s first visit to Miami since Season 2. As expected, the first thing we hear is Gloria Estefan over crowd shots of the 10,000+ who turned out, and we get to hear them all singing “The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You” in unison.

Paula is excited to be back in Miami, but the other two aren’t quite sure where they are. Randy’s wearing very red, very shiny shoes that hurt my eyes.

Burke: Very Wizard of Oz.

Bunny: First up is Shannon McGough, 18, who works at her parents’ meat market. She’s been winning singing competitions for years. She does Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby.” I don’t know the song because I’m not a huge Janis fan, but it doesn’t seem to be in tune.

Burke: I thought she may have promise with her mini-Idol wins, but she was terrible.

Bunny: She is also one of many who insist on singing something else when the judges don’t like the first song, which doesn’t work for her either. I feel sorry for her; she is genuinely shocked to be told that she can’t sing. She appears to be another victim of the mollycoddled generation whose parents believe in promoting self-esteem at the expense of truth. Ahem. You didn’t know I brought my soapbox, did you?

Next is Robbie Carrico, who used to be in a boy band. He looks rather unkempt, but then, I’m old and I use words like unkempt. He does seem like a natural singer and has a nice personality.

Burke: I’m not impressed, but the judges like him.

Bunny: He gets Yeses from them and Silly String and confetti from his friends outside in the hall.

Next we have a procession of singers who swear better than they sing. There’s also a guy wearing a horse blanket and playing on a wooden flute thing.

Burke: Pan flute?

Bunny: Yeah, probably. Anyway, Randy sums it up with “What in the WHAT?”

Ghaleb Emachah is charismatic, looks like Antonio Banderas, and sings with passion. So far, so good. Too bad we can’t understand the words.

Burke: Nice guy. But the accent will prevent him from going too far. Try South American Idol.

Bunny: Simon blathers on about liking him only after a few drinks, which starts to get on Paula’s nerves, and she begins blathering, and it disintegrates from there, although Ghaleb does get a Yes overall. He hugs and kisses Paula and then does the same to just about everyone else in the building. He’s obviously demonstrative by nature. Back in the audition room, Simon wants the contents of Paula’s cup checked. Probably he wants what she’s having.

Friends “separated at birth” Brittany Wescott and Corliss Smith are up next. They’re looking for love in all the wrong places. Corliss sings jazz to Randy. It’s not my style and she seems a little on the shouty side, but she’s pretty good. Then Brittany sings “My Guy” to Simon. She’s not as good as her friend. They both get through, and once again, hugs are doled out all around.

Burke: It’s the Doublemint Twins.

Bunny: Twenty-one-year-old Suzanne Toon now gives us her life story, complete with tears. She did a lot of musicals in performing arts school and had a child at 19. This opportunity means the world to her. She sings “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” I think she’s okay but a little off-pitch at times.

Burke: I like her. I hope she sticks around for a while.

Bunny: She is going to Hollywood.

Next to sing, after a brief recap of Filipino Jasmine Trias’ success after Idol, is her countrywoman Ramiele Malubay. The judges comment on how cute she is. And she is. But can she handle “Natural Woman” by Aretha? Turns out she can, at least in my opinion. She seemed to have a little trouble with the high notes but she’s good. Simon thinks she’s a hotel singer, not a contemporary artist, but she gets through.

Burke: You know what they say about dynamite.

Bunny: What—his first name is Napoleon?

Burke: That too, but no. Good things come in small packages.

DAY TWO

Bunny: Randy’s in high style again today with a flowery purple shirt. Simon calls for validation from his mum as the day begins. Paula is Paula.

First on the list today is Syesha Mercado, who is at the happiest place in her life. She’s a positive thinker. We get another father-daughter Kleenex moment before we see her audition. She does Aretha’s “Think.” She has a powerful, clear voice which sounded a little out of control at times, but I like her. Her audition leads the judges to decide that there is talent in Miami.

Burke: She’s got a killer smile and great power. She’s this season’s Nadia.

Bunny: Or maybe Nadia was Season 4’s Syesha.

Singing “At Last,” one of my favorite songs, is Natashia Blach. She’s very good; I like her voice a lot. She gets through easily.

Burke: I think she is sort of nondescript.

Bunny: Next is Ilsy Lorena Pinot, with Shakira hair and a decent voice, a little on the husky side. Let me clarify. Her voice is husky, not her build.

Burke: Memorable name, too; that sometimes helps.

Bunny: There are a series of Nos, including a couple people with that very affected eyes-closed, finger-in-ear stance. We are given names, but you know what? Let’s move on.

Now we meet Richard Valles, who has what one might call the Idol “look.” Tragically, he sings through his nose.

Burke: That’s a style of singing; I don’t know if you knew that.

Bunny: Thank you, Chris Richardson. Yes, it’s the style where you close off your throat completely and emanate horrible sounds from your nasal cavity.

Burke: He sounds like the Madonna guy from a few years back.

Bunny: Keith! So true.

Julie Dubela is next, and this one saddens me. Music is her life, and she doesn’t believe in mediocrity. She was in the top 20 on American Juniors four years ago at age 12. She sings Janis Joplin (lots of Janis this year), and is not bad but is very affected (lots of that too). She won’t quit singing except to argue with the judges.

Burke: What song was that? Lots of ’tude here.

Bunny: And to think she gave up performing at a Red Sox game in order to audition. It’s too bad; she could sing before she became Paris Hilton.

Last (and probably least), Brandon Black makes a Kramer-style entrance. He’s dressed in white from head to toe, although he’s not nearly as feathery as Reynaldo Lapuz. Paula seems offended by his song choice, “I’ll Make Love To You,” and yet she wasn’t bothered by Paul the stalker guy from Philly? Okay.

Burke: He’s full of something, but it’s not talent.

Bunny: Then he treats us to his very own made-up song, which sounds exactly the same as the first song. He’s a chipmunk on caffeine. When the judges say he’s desperate, he starts throwing his hat around, ‘cause, you know, that’s such a not-desperate activity in a singing competition.

Okay, I’m ready for the auditions to be over so we can get on with the show. What? We still have to go to Atlanta?

PREDICTIONS

Bunny: Most potential in my book—Syesha Mercado and Natashia Blach. However, there are several from Miami I will be watching with interest.

Burke: I’ll take Syesha Mercado too, and I’ll also pick Suzanne Toon.

Prognosticats: Big Z and Little Z are going with little miss dynamite, Ramiele Malubay, and Natashia Blach.

Bunny: It’s Idol’s first stop ever in the state known for corn. So let’s hope it has an “ear” and no “stalkers.” Uh oh, I’m on a roll.

Paula’s plane is delayed so the judges’ comments on the first few auditions shown are … surprisingly easy to understand.

Chris Bernheisel is so thrilled to be here that he is sure happiness is going to go flying everywhere. He brings gifts for the judges and then ruins it by trying to sing and stand on his hands at the same time. He falls out of the handstand, but still it’s better than the singing. I don’t think there was a note in tune in the entire song. However, Simon must be in a really good mood. He tells Chris that they want to see him reporting for the local FOX affiliate during the finale. Randy says he’s the next Seacrest. So Chris doesn’t get through, but he leaves, happiness flying everywhere.

A nervous Jason Rich auditions next. He’s from a small town and he works on a farm. It’s the male Carrie Underwood story, except Carrie didn’t forget the lyrics. Three times. Poor guy. As soon as Simon told him he’d blown it, though, it must have taken the pressure off, because then he was able to finish the audition. He’s not great, but okay.

Burke: Boy band meets Keith Whitley.

Bunny: And Simon’s good mood continues; he seconds Randy’s Yes.

Paula finally slips into her seat and we continue. But first we are treated to an episode of “You Forgot the Lyrics,” wherein a string of hapless people make up lyrics as they go, pulling out cheat sheets and scratching their heads, and sometimes remembering NOT ONE SINGLE WORD.

Arm-wrestling her way into the audition is Rachael Wicker. (Fortunately for Ryan, he holds his own against her, although the camera does cut away…) Simon won’t do it because he’s afraid she’d beat him.

Burke: Julia Roberts much? She sounds Appalachian, though. Not that that’s a bad thing.

Bunny: The singing is good; she has a little yodel in there, which I don’t mind, in moderation. Randy hates the yodel, but he gives her a Yes based on the voice. Simon says no. Paula wakes up long enough to send her to Hollywood, but not before arm wrestling Rachael herself, and losing, in spite of an attempt to distract her.

Ex-professional wrestler “Lady Morgue” is next. Her very-non-wrestling-type name is Sarah Whitaker. She demonstrates her maniacal laugh to the mixed horror and amusement of those in the holding room. She gives Ryan a “light tap,” and he tries very hard not to swear on camera. In the audition, she sings like a vampiric Julie Andrews.

Burke: Just plain wrong.

Bunny: Did Paula mumble a Yes or am I hearing things? Thank goodness the other two are fully awake and keep Sarah far, far away from Hollywood. Ryan wants to know why she wasn’t put through, which results in Paula and Ryan switching places. Must be Freaky Tuesday.

Paula sends in Samantha Sidley, who’s not sure what to make of all this folderol. She’s very quiet and unassuming, a rarity. She sings “Don’t Know Why.” Ryan says she has a good voice but needs to work on her self-confidence and stop the twisting movements on the mark. Paula sticks her nose in from the hallway to disagree about the moves. And that’s the end of that experiment. They switch back.

Burke: I liked her. Samantha, that is.

Bunny: I did too; she was kind of a refreshing change, although I don’t know how long she’ll last without a little more self-assurance and volume. She gets all Yeses, including from Ryan. The reaction from her friend (sister?) in the hallway is as muted as she is.

Ryan wants us to believe that after his short stint as judge, talent is now showing up in abundance.

First to perform in his afterglow is Elizabeth Erkert, (correction 2/2/08: Eckert) who “Heard It Through The Grapevine.” We aren’t shown the judges’ reaction, but apparently she gets two Yeses, and a No from Guess Who. She can’t wait to get to Hollywood and prove Simon wrong, that she is America’s Next Top Model. Fortunately for her, she isstillintherunningtowardsbecomingAmerica’snext … Idol.

We have another Fantasia-ish contestant in Denise Jackson, at least appearance-wise. I actually think Denise is better. She gets through.

Then there’s Michael Sanfilippo, who does “If You Really Love Me” by Stevie Wonder. I’m not hugely impressed, but he gets a golden ticket.

Seems like every year there’s a contestant who is doing this against ma’s/pa’s wishes, but all they wanna do is make their parents proud. This year it’s Angelica Puente, 17, from Kenosha, Wisconsin. Dad actually paid for her to come to Omaha but apparently thinks she’s wasting her life by pursuing singing. Simon tells her to picture Randy in a bikini in order to calm her nerves. Drat, that made me think of the hairy guy from Philadelphia who got waxed, an image I’d rather not have in my mental file cabinet, but there it is. Anyway, Angelica sings “Power Of Love” and is a little too mimicky. I did write that before the judges said it.

Burke: She does well, considering how emotional this all is for her.

Bunny: At least she doesn’t sing “If You Ask Me To.” Simon thinks that with effort she could be very good but she needs to decide who she is because this is not a sound-alike competition (a statement many contestants would do well to think seriously about). Outside, Ryan makes the call to her dad, giving me déjà vu.

As an introduction to one of this year’s “rocker” contestants, we are reminded that Chris Daughtry’s band has sold 3.2 million albums. Not bad for fourth place. We also see and hear a sampling of those who would like to be the next Chris.

Included in these is David Cook, a bartender and musician from Tulsa. He has Amy Adams/Sanjaya faux-hawk hair. He’s one of the more well-spoken contestants. He redeems “Living On A Prayer” as an audition song. I think he tries too hard, but he’s good. Is that what Simon means by saying “other than being a little bit worthy, it was good”? For some reason, Randy recommends weird arm movements, a la Douglas Davidson. Whatevs. He gets a Yes.

Johnny Escamilla, 18, zoo volunteer, wears a gold lamé jacket to his audition. That’s lamé and just plain lame. He says he’s one of the weirdest guys we’ll ever meet and we haven’t seen anyone like him. He’s wrong, although I don’t remember anyone inducing hiccupping in Paula before. Fortunately, his version of “Shout” cures her, too.

Burke: Back to the zoo, Johnny.

Bunny: It’s a unanimous No.

The latest montage is “Stuck In The Middle With You” by Stealers Wheel (hmmm, I didn’t know who sang that; had to look it up). The lyrics are oh so appropriate: “I don’t know why I came here tonight” and “Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.” And that’s just at the judges’ table.

The last contestant of the day is Leo Marlowe from Charlotte, Iowa; with 200 people it’s the smallest town in the history of life, according to him. After he sings “A Song For You,” Paula jumps up and yells “TOUCHDOWN!” She is being very Paula today.

Burke: Leo has Tobey Maguire’s lips. It’s weird.

Bunny: And with that, only 19 golden tickets are handed out in Omahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahaha!!!!

PREDICTIONS

Bunny: I liked Rachael Wicker, if she keeps the yodeling to a minimum, and Samantha Sidley, if she can put a little more power and personality into it.

Burke: I also liked Samantha Sidley, but my second choice is Elizabeth Erkert, the one who couldn’t remember which show she was auditioning for. Hopefully, she’ll get it straight in Hollywood.

Prognosticats: The Cats are a little apathetic about Omaha, but eventually they choose Angelica Puente and Denise Jackson.

TyraMail!!! Wednesday night we hit Miami!

DAY ONE

Bunny: First we meet Oliver Highman, whose wife’s water breaks right before his audition. He runs off to take care of business. More on him later.

Raysharde Henderson refers to himself as the “black Clay Aiken.” He has a big fro and an even bigger smile. Unfortunately, his rendition of “I Can’t Make You Love Me” is too theatrical, and he is rejected.

Next up, DeAnna (with a CAPITAL A) Prevatte, an angry waitress from Albemarle, delivers a furious performance of “Fancy.” It is punctuated by much angst and the requisite drop to one’s knees. She really hates that Sunday crowd of bad tippers at the restaurant.

Burke: Who can blame her? But it’s a No.

Bunny: This season’s big love story: Crystal Ortiz and Randy Stark, who met on the AI message boards. They do a really bad duet. At least they have each other. Buh-bye.

The next duet is much better, although I didn’t have high hopes. Michelle and Jeffery Lampkin, sister and brother, say you gotta have that “Ow” factor, so I was expecting “ow” as in “ouch.” They’re not too bad, though. The judges like Jeffery better, but kind-hearted Simon can’t break them up. They both get through.

Next, we are treated to an ear-splitting montage of Carrie wannabes, this time to the tune of “Before He Cheats.”

After this, Amy Catherine Flynn, the captain of her dance team, enters. She preaches abstinence and will be vying with Snow White for the “squeaky clean” award. Her voice doesn’t seem to have much power. Simon says people will find her annoying—I guess he would know about that.

Burke: He also doesn’t think she’s as good as she thinks she is, which seems to be his pet phrase this year.

Bunny: But she does go through to Hollywood.

The last contestant of the day has a great name in Simon’s opinion: London Weidberg. She lost her dad to cancer three years ago. She sang a Billie Holiday song. It seemed pitchy but it could be because I’m not familiar with the song.

Burke: She has poor breath control.

Bunny: I agree. But she is given a ticket.

DAY TWO

Lyndsey Goodman, 28, is an Air Force pilot with a strong vibrato. She sings “Black Velvet.” I thought for sure she was going through, but no.

Burke: She was robbed.

Bunny: Next is Aretha Codner, who says she is as good as Fantasia. Never a good sign. She started off okay but then kept changing keys. Insisting she has a fabulous voice, she won’t leave. Her level of delusion is deep. Poor girl.

Joshua Boson “yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah’s” himself into a No while appearing to have some sort of singing-induced seizure. Sorry, Joshua, we’re not going to love you.

Burke: Also, just so you know, the show is fake and rigged, we’ll see him again, blah, blah, blah. Moving on.

Bunny: We hear several more Nos and finally, Oliver Highman reappears with his wife and newborn daughter, Emma Grace. Daddy’s not a singer, though. He has way too much vibrato and falsetto. Sorry, Oliver.

In total, from Charleston, 23 golden tickets are awarded. Next week, Idol goes to Omaha, Nebraska.

PREDICTIONS

Bunny: Being that we were only shown four successful auditions from Charleston, it was not too strenuous to choose the two who I think will go the furthest: Amy Flynn and Michelle Lampkin.

Burke: Yeah, the choices are limited. I’ll go with Amy Flynn and London Weidberg.

Prognosticats: Big Z and Little Z are going with Michelle Lampkin and London Weidberg.

DAY ONE

Bunny: Tetiana Ostapowych is first to get through. She looks a little like Barbra Streisand. She’s not as good, but that’s okay.

Perrie Cataldo is next. He is a single father. He’s good. It’s another Yes.

Australian Michael Johns sings “I’ve Been Loving You Too Long.” He has a good voice but does too many vocal acrobatics in my opinion. He is through to Hollywood.

Valerie Reyes loves Mariah Carey and says people think she sounds like her. She is amused by all the hilarious auditions for American Idol, which of course means she is destined to become one of them.

Burke: Valerie does not sound like Mariah Carey.

Bunny: No, she doesn’t. Next is Monique Gibson, who is just baaaaaaaaaaaad. You know, like a sheep—baaaaaaaaaa—oh, never mind.

Up next is Christopher Baker, who is just plain loud.

Burke: ABCDEFG—NO.

Bunny: Samantha Musa’s sister is invited to sit with Simon and judge her sister. They both adore Simon. He is having a good day. Samantha has a soulful voice, and fortunately, her sister puts her through.

DAY TWO

Blake Boschnack has auditioned 10 times. Two seasons ago, he came to Chicago dressed as the Statue of Liberty. American Idol is the biggest part of his mom’s life. He is not terrible, but not great. He’s another nice guy, but the answer is No once again.

Burke: See you next year, Blake.

Bunny: Now we are introduced to Alberto Hurtado, a cross between Weird Al and Jordin Sparks. He collects fingernails, too, but they’re still attached. Despite a bribe to Paula, he is dismissed.

Sixteen-year-old David Archuleta once had partial vocal paralysis. He does a good job on the John Mayer song “Waiting For The World To Change.” Not bad at all. It’s a Yes.

Next is Carly Smithson from Ireland. She and her husband own a tattoo shop. She auditioned in Season 5 but was disqualified because her visa hadn’t come through. She does too many runs in her song, but she is moved on to the next level.

Burke: Why would someone tattoo their whole face?

Bunny: I’m sure I don’t know. Anyway, thirty-one auditioners from San Diego make it to the Hollywood round.

PREDICTIONS

Bunny: I think David Archuleta and Perrie Cataldo have the most potential here.

Burke: I agree about Perrie Cataldo but I will choose Samantha Musa instead of David.

Prognosticats: Big Z and Little Z also choose Perrie Cataldo and Tetiana Ostapowych.

DAY ONE

Bunny: Jessica Brown is a stay-at-home of two girls. She resembles Jessica Sierra from Season 4. A former meth user, she feels like Carrie Underwood’s song “Jesus Take the Wheel” was written for her. She sings another song done by Carrie, “I’ll Stand By You.” She is through to Hollywood.

We meet Paul Stafford, park attendant, dorky dancer, and member of American Roller Coaster Enthusiasts, but you gotta love him. Nice guy. He gives Elliott Yamin’s “Wait For You” a try, but it’s a no go.

Beth Maddocks is next. She idolizes Kelly Clarkson.

Burke: And she sounds like Kelly. On helium and in pain.

Bunny: Sorry, Beth, it’s a disaster, and not of the beautiful variety.

We are treated to a series of painful auditions before we get to Alaina Whitaker, 16. She thinks Carrie Underwood looks like her, and she’s right. Her voice is very good—powerful. She is through.

Gregory and Mia Tobias audition together, and seem to be singing two totally different songs. Wow. No and no.

Nineteen-year-old Bruce Dickson is up next. He wears a key necklace that matches the heart necklace his father wears. When he gets married, his dad will give the heart necklace to Bruce’s wife. Okay. He’s not bad, but he doesn’t get a golden ticket.

We next meet Pia “Zpia” Easley, a background singer hoping to make it big. She has a strong Fantasia/Tracy Chapman vibe. She gets a Yes.

Ryan wants to know if Brandon Green has any hobbies. Thanks a lot, Ryan. Brandon peels his fingernails and keeps them in a Baggie. That’s just wrong. He’s not a bad singer, though. He gets through. Please don’t bring the nails to Hollywood; we’ve had enough creepy.

Burke: Gross.

Bunny: Kayla Hatfield had a bad car accident in which she lost an eye. She seems flaky but is enthusiastic and positive. She growls a Janis Joplin song. Simon wants to be her for one hour, maybe two, because she’s so happy, and votes Yes. Paula says no but Randy saves her. We’ll see her again.

The last successful auditioner of the day is Kady Malloy, 18, who does a spot-on impression of Britney Spears. Encouraged to be herself, she sings “Unchained Melody” and does very well. It’s a Yes. I wanted to hear her Rascal Flatts impression.

Burke: I didn’t.

DAY TWO

Bunny: Douglas Davidson is 28 and has been trying to restart his singing hobby since age 16. I think it’ll be a while yet. His weird arm movements and even weirder voice warm-ups try the judges’ patience. He is directed quite firmly to the door.

Angela Reilly is newly married to professional model Chad, who picks her songs for her.

Burke: He should stick to modeling.

Bunny: I guess so. She is turned away.

Next up, political science major Kyle Ensley looks like a cross between Clay Aiken and Bill Gates. He aspires to be governor of Oklahoma. But first, he’s going to Hollywood. Fortunately for him, his voice doesn’t match his appearance.

Next we hear Tammy Tuzinski, who compares herself to Celine, which is pretty much an immediate turnoff. She is extremely nervous and doesn’t seem to know which song she is singing. Sorry, no.

Colton Swon sings “Boondocks.” He has an average-sounding voice, but gets a Yes.

Auditioning next is Drew Poppelreiter, who loves farmin’ and singin’. He sounds very much like several contemporary country singers. He’s goin’ to Hollywood.

We now meet Kyle Reinnick, wearer of guyliner and the source of my favorite American Idol quote so far this season: “I haven’t seen myself rock out, but I’ve heard that I’m pretty intense.”

Burke: Yeah, Kyle, that polo shirt is rockin’.

Bunny: He tries Kelly Clarkson’s “Never Again.” Enough said.

After a montage featuring a barely recognizable “Since U Been Gone,” we move on.

Nina Shaw has a great look but is rather affected. Simon thinks she’s old-fashioned and cabaret (what a surprise) but she makes it.

Last up for the day is Renaldo Lapuz, 44, whose white quilted suit, metallic cape, and feather hat are certainly memorable, but not as memorable as his own composition, “We’re Brothers Forever,” the chorus of which goes on forever. He says Simon is “heaven’s chosen,” but that doesn’t earn him a ticket.

Burke: One more time!

Bunny: So, in Dallas, 24 tickets are given out all together.

PREDICTIONS

Bunny: This was tough, but for highest potential, I’ll go with Alaina Whitaker and Drew Poppelreiter (because he’s just so doggone cute).

Burke: I think not. I’ll take Alaina Whitaker too, but my second choice is Kady Malloy.

Prognosticats: The cats go for the colors, taking Jessica Brown and Brandon Green.

Bunny: We begin in the City of Brotherly Love, where thousands of Hollywood hopefuls have turned out in hopes of landing a coveted golden ticket.

DAY ONE

First up is Joey Catalano, who recently lost 204 pounds. Good for him. Seriously. His voice is a little high and monotonous for my taste, but he gets a Yes. Both of his grandmas are outside cheering him on. How cute is that?

Then we have Alaa Youakeem, known as “Uka,” or as his girlfriend says, “You are sexiface.” The BeeGees make him feel special. He seems like a nice guy, and Paula really, really, really appreciates him, but he gets a No.

Melanie Nyema is a backup singer for Taylor Hicks. She has a sweet personality. It sounded to me like she changed keys midstream, but she gets through.

If you look out the window to the right, you’ll see our next auditioner, tour guide James Lewis, a Todd Bridges look-alike. Another nice guy, but unfortunately, he sounds like a tape being played at the slowest possible speed.

Burke: Or like a foghorn.

Bunny: Nick Stano sings Simon’s favorite song, “Unchained Melody.” On second thought, “sang” is too strong a word. He is sent away empty-handed.

Zhengzhong Yu appears to sing himself to sleep. It’s a No.

Junot Joyner gets a Yes, but not much screen time.

We are then serenaded in Spanish by Jose Candelaria.

Burke: I didn’t understand it, but he’s good.

Bunny: Jonathan Baines is next to get a ticket. He is 17.

Enter Temptress Brown, 16. She is a middle linebacker on her football team. Simon claims he loves animals. All together now: Awwwwwwwwwww. She sings “I’m Not Goin’ Nowhere” [sic]. The judges show they have hearts after all by giving a group hug to a broken-hearted Temptress.

Burke: She’s nice to her mother. Not the best singer but a good effort.

Bunny: Mark Hayes’ claim to fame is his ability to make a cricket sound. After his audition, what do we hear? Yeah, didn’t see that coming.

American Idol’s version of Michael Scott, Udgeet “Udi” Sampat, incorporates music into the workplace as a creative way to lead people. He does “My Way.” He’s a nice guy, but … No.

We are then treated to a Joan Jett montage, “I Love Rock and Roll.” It is predictably awful.

At this point, the formidable Alexis Cohen appears, already a source of what will no doubt be some of the best quotes of the season:
“People look at me with 12 heads.”
“I’m like a pirate.”
“Simon is a big fat bad word.”
She is from Allentown, made famous in a song by Bon Jovi (well, she got the initials right). She’s a good mimic, but she is turned away. Fortunately, there is always actressing to fall back on.

Burke: Sparkly but scary.

Bunny: Angela Martin is next. She has a daughter with Retts syndrome, a background story second to none. She is in a band in Chicago, and Simon tells her she need to “de-wedding-ize.” She is going to Hollywood.

Burke: She looked comfortable and had good stage presence.

Bunny: At the end of Day One in Philly, Simon apparently feels he has to compensate for admitting he likes animals by saying it would be impossible for him to celebrate with a friend who got good news. What a guy.

DAY TWO
We begin with Alyse Wojciechowski, who has Taylor Hicks moves. Come to think of it, she has his voice, too: Too much hollering, not enough singing. It’s a No.

A couple more failed auditioners flash across the screen, and then we meet Milo Turk, 39, who looks to me like a cross between Billy Crystal and John Moschitta (remember the speed-talking FedEx guy?). His animal print vest, macho marching move, and original song, “No Sex Allowed,” fail to impress.

Next up is Kristy Lee Cook from Oregon, who sold her good barrel horse in order to come to Philadelphia and audition. She’s training to be a cage fighter.

Burke: Come and hit me, Napoleon.

Bunny: What?! Anyway, her rendition of “Amazing Grace” gets her in.

And here is Ben Haar of the chest hair and belly dancing outfit. He is sent off for a serious waxing before Paula can concentrate enough to judge his singing. I didn’t need to see that. He returns later without the hair but still doesn’t get through. Let’s move on, quickly.

Shekhinah Bathyehudah works her feather boa and demonstrates her range, but it’s a No.

Next we are subject to one of the creepiest auditions ever. Paul Marturano has written a creepy song about stalking Paula with lots of creepy rhymes. When Simon tries to stop him, he says, “Shhh, you’re ruining the moment, Simon.” Ick. Finally, he is escorted out. Did I mention he is creepy?

Oddly enough, our next auditioner is named Beth Stalker, but she’s not creepy. She hails from Grand Blanc, Michigan. She does a nice job with “Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered.” I think her voice is kind of different, but Simon doesn’t think she’d stand out. Regardless, she goes through to Hollywood.

Burke: Go Blue!

Bunny: This year’s Corey Clark shows up in the form of Chris Watson. He has a nice tone to his voice. He gets a Yes.

Christina Tolisano is next. She is dressed like Princess Leia, being a fan of all things Star Wars, but she comes across more like the unibrowed chick from Ben Stiller’s team in “Dodgeball.” The force is not with her today, but she’s not actually the worst singer we’ve heard. Her grandparents seem sweet.

Burke: Corrections, here I come.

Bunny: Our last audition from Philadelphia is Brooke White.

Burke: AKA Snow White.

Bunny: Yes, she has never seen an R-rated movie. Simon is aghast, as usual, but she is unfazed. Her voice is not outstanding, but it’s good. Snow White is going to Hollywood.

In all, 29 people from Philadelphia are moving on to the next level.

PREDICTIONS

Bunny: I think Angela Martin has the perfect combination of looks, talent, and good backstory. Second would be Beth Stalker.

Burke: My choices are Kristy Lee Cook (’cuz of the cage fighting) and Brooke White.

Prognosticats: After much deliberation, the Cats choose Jose Candelaria and Chris Watson.