Well, evidently I was wrong. Tonight’s episode is not day two from Atlanta but rather a hodgepodge of good and bad from all of the previous audition cities. I think. Someone correct me if I’m wrong! I’ve backtracked and added our picks from Atlanta to yesterday’s post.
First up: Luke Reeder, who’s wearing the biggest T-shirt I’ve ever seen in my life. He tries to sing something and is unsuccessful. Sadly for him, he hasn’t smuggled Ruben Studdard in under that shirt.
Burke: He’s kind of Chris Farleyish; too bad Chris couldn’t sing either.
Bunny: Love the hat flaps. Victor Villegas bleats the next audition. He doesn’t advance either.
Burke: Very nasal. I don’t know if you knew, but that’s a style …
Bunny: You already used that joke. Moving on.
Amy Davis is from a “lower than lower-middle-class family” and watched her mother struggle to hold down two jobs and bring up six kids. On the plus side, she has great shoes. She sings “Blue Bayou,” one of my perennial favorites. It sounds slightly forced to me, but good. The judges like the possibilities they see in her if she works hard, and it’s a Yes.
Burke: I like her.
Bunny: Tiffany McCambell is next. She says her voice is a gift from God, and her pastor says it’s maturing. I sense bad things. Simon does too. Her warmup sounds kind of like a siren on a submerged ambulance. Her actual singing isn’t any better.
Burke: As usual, the big buildup doesn’t match the voice.
Bunny: At least she is gracious in defeat.
We are reminded that this was the year of the duets, and now we have a love triangle as well. Cory and Chris Lane are twins, and they more or less share a girlfriend.
Burke: Did he just call her “leftovers”?
Bunny: For their audition, one beatboxes (although not nearly as well as Blake Lewis) while the other raps, once he remembers the words, that is—some of which are “here we go let’s go” and others of which are something like “here we go let’s go.” Oh yeah, and “we’re kind of like them Brittenum twins just not as lame.” Oh, my, I’d forgotten about Terrell and Derrell. Sometimes forgetfulness is a blessing. Anyway, the Lane twins get shot down.
Burke: The only thing worse than a bad singer is two bad singers.
Bunny: The leftovers … um, I mean Ashley Pickler … um, I mean Lawing, brings her puppy, Panda, who is absolutely the cutest thing I’ve seen so far this year, even cuter than Drew Poppelreiter. To no one’s surprise, she sings “Red High Heels.” The running commentary out in the hall, by Chris and Cory, is that her voice is not that great and she’s relying on her looks to get by. Ooh, this love triangle is in serious trouble. Meanwhile, in the audition room, the judges must convince an incredulous Ashley that no, it is not Opposite Day, and she really is that bad. Excrushia'in, in fact. They put Panda through to Hollywood.
Burke: Kellie Pickler without the talent.
Bunny: I’ll have to think about that one for a minute.
Liv Tyler lookalike Cardin Lee McKinney is next. She’s a waitress at a fondue restaurant. She’s very charming and has a cool name. Most of all, she seems humble. I like her voice and feel she has good control, but Simon says she’s theatrical. She gets through with Yeses from the other two.
Burke: Unusual name, good talent.
Bunny: Plus-size model Joanne Borgella from Hoboken is next to sing. She wants to inspire others to be happy with the way they look. She is going to attempt a Celine song, “I Love You.” In my opinion, she should have started in a lower key, but she does have a very pretty voice. It’s a Yes.
Burke: Plus-size talent. All hail Queen Joanne!
Bunny: The next auditioner to attempt a Celine song is Alesha Stelzl. She says she was born to sing. My verdict: She doesn’t have bad pitch, but she sings like a Muppet baby in distress. Paula says she pushes too hard, and I think that’s exactly the problem. Randy recommends a Dolly Parton song, but it seems Alesha has never heard of her. Fortunately for Alesha, her mother is Dolly Parton. With the help of other contestants and the Internet, she is off to learn a DP song because Simon said she could come back and try again, although he doesn’t think it will matter.
Burke: Hey, I was going to make the “her mom is Dolly Parton” joke.
Bunny: Sorry, too slow. After the break, Alesha is back with “Islands In the Stream.” To her credit, she learns fast, although we don’t know how much time has elapsed in real life. Her second attempt shows 100% improvement. It’s still Muppetish but a far better choice for her than Celine. She is already out of the room with her golden ticket when we hear Simon admit, on camera, that Paula and Randy were right.
Next we meet a couple of failed contestants, Brandi Gregorie, who knew a striptease wouldn’t work but inexplicably tries it anyway, and Charles Randy Leviner (Bucky? Is that you?)
Burke: Happy up, dude.
Bunny: Joshua Moreland (Jay Smoove) is a self-proclaimed owner of the “wow factor” and a big smile. His original song, “Beautiful Lady,” fails to impress. (And it reminds me of this Phil Silvers clip from “Cover Girl,” starting at the 1:00 mark.) Anyway, he is sent away. Uh, Smoove, you forgot your rose petals and glitter.
Burke: He was doing okay until the high notes. Did Paula really use the word accoutrements? I’m impressed.
Bunny: Simon calls in Ryan to sweep up. Neither Ryan nor the stagehand seem to know how to use a broom and dustpan, so Simon takes over and demonstrates that it’s beyond him as well. Hilarity ensues, and then we see a medley of Simon not being quite sure where he is and not knowing how to pronounce anything with more syllables than John Smith.
Burke: Poor Kiana Dim.
Bunny: His goal for the day is to get everyone’s name wrong. Shouldn’t be a problem.
Okay, I want this next guy to make the top 12 just so I can keeping saying his name: Chikezie Eze. Chikezie Eze. Chikezie Eze. Anyway, he tried out last year but didn’t make it. He sings a Luther Vandross song. I don’t think his voice has super-standout potential, and Simon agrees, but he does go through to Hollywood. Yay! Chikezie Eze.
Burke: Nice tone. How did he not make it last time?
Bunny: Good question.
Another tryer-againer is Danny Noriega. Apparently, he couldn’t take the pressure last year. This time he sings “Proud Mary” and gets the go-ahead. I hope he is put in a group with Brittany Wescott and Corliss Smith during Hollywood week.
Well, that’s the end of the auditions—and not a moment too soon for my sanity. Do you think we found the next American Idol, Paula wants to know. Well, yeah, isn’t that how this works?
I think there’s some really fantastic talent and great backstories this year, but then, I think that every year because I have not yet been overreached by complete cynicism, at least regarding American Idol. Overall, 164 golden tickets are awarded.
Join Burke and Bunny and the Idle Prognosticats next Tuesday for Hollywood week!
PREDICTIONS
A quick reminder: These predictions are, of course, based on the limited information included in the broadcasts. Following are those we think have the most potential to make it to the top 12. The Prognosticats choose randomly. (See How does this work? in the sidebar.)
Bunny: I will go with Cardin Lee McKinney and Joanne Borgella.
Burke: Hey, quit looking at my notes—Cardin Lee McKinney and Joanne Borgella.
Prognosticats: Well, we are certainly not choosing Panda. We’ll take Chikezie Eze and Cardin Lee McKinney.
